Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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