I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
