how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
