I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
