I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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