I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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