Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You need Xanax blowdarts
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
