I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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