Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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