I want to have your abortion
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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