I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
