she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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