he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
