i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
