I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
