but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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