Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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