The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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