I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
