She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
don't judge my taste in strippers
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
