I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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