Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
