she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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