he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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