If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
