I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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