i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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