you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
