I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
