What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
