yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
