i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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