i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
