Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
