the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
