I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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