a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
