i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
