I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
