There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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