Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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