craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
