I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
how do flat chested girls get laid?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize