Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
