I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Terrible idea I love it
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
