hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
