I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
