have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
