she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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