i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Green mimosas i think yes
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
