I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize