K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
