So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My bed smells like the plague
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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