Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
