Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
