i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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