I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize