So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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