I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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