I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
